2020 is finally over, and I feel the need to truly get something off my chest:
I am lost.
I was lost before 2020 even started, actually. I remained lost as we shut down and found ourselves “stuck” at home. And even going into 2021, I still feel lost.
For the last half of 2019, I had completely shut down and isolated myself away from everyone around me. It was a year traumatized by built-up emotional and physical burnout, overwhelming mistrust/dissatisfaction in people, and a truly heavy heartbreak. Because of this, I drifted away and out of relationships with friends, family, and myself.
It had nothing to do with anyone specifically. Far from it. I was simply ashamed (of myself) and didn’t want to burden them with my own thoughts, troubles, and sadness. An annoyingly closed-off and toxic behaviour of mine.
Yet, as 2020 got closer, I started seeing a glimmer of hope.
Hope that I would finally be able to put the pressures and breakdowns of 2019 behind me and finally move forward. Move forward with a new job opportunity, re-kindled friendships/relationships, and even a return to things I loved and could get excited about.
But that didn’t happen.
Opportunities faded as the world shut down and people were furloughed. Relationships were even harder to keep as others struggled with their own “new normal”. And things I was looking forward to, no longer became easily accessible — or COVID-safe.
In other words, I was ready to come out of my cave, wide-eyed and hopeful. But the rest of the world decided to go into theirs.
Fuck.
So I turned right back around, drooped back into my cave, and shut down once again. And once again, I spent my days drifting alone in a sea of thoughts:
- What the hell happened?
- Where did I go wrong?
- What could I have done to prevent this?
- COULD I have even prevented this?
- And of course: What the fuck do I do now?
Because truthfully speaking, I still blame myself. Blame myself for everything that happened with Konnect¹. Everything that happened with her². And everything I feel on this first day of the new year.
And because this next year is filled with even more unpredictability, this feeling of confused and anxious displacement only continues to grow. So here I sit. Motionless in time. Waiting.
I know I’m not the only one feeling this way.
And you know, just as I do, that there is only so much you can distract myself with. Even with all the binge watching on various streaming services, to exploring new and interesting content niches on YouTube, to even sourcing and building a new 3D printer for myself, sometimes there’s just no escaping those thoughts.
But here we are at the the top of a new year. Everyone, left-and-right, are taking this time to look at the new year as a refresher. A fresh look into the year ahead of us. So I’ll follow suit to reflect and finally get this off my chest:
I’ve been lost and the uncertainty ahead has been killing me.
I know I need to fix this. And to do this I need to something much more long-term to work towards. My hyperfocus³ on the temporary short-term will only delay this even more.
So when I’m ready, I will have to ask myself — and REALLY ask myself:
- What do I want in my new future?
- What do I need/need to do in order to reach this goal?
- What are the mental/physical blocks holding me back from obtaining this?
- How can I overcome these obstacles?
If I can at least start with the first two (three if I’m feeling ambitious), then maybe I can finally continue on my path. A path not so lost.
No matter how many twists and turns I’ve taken to get here, the path ahead is what really matters. And that’s not something I should rush blindly into. I might just end up lost again.
Taliesin Jaffe said something wonderful in his year-end/new-year reflection:
As for next year; I’ve always hated the metaphor of the light at the end of the tunnel. Most change I’ve experienced in my life didn’t happen in a day, and when it did it was usually less life altering then the change that took months.
The road ahead is long. We’re gonna need marathon runners, not sprinters. Accept help when offered. Offer help when (and only when) you have the bandwidth. We need you healthy. I’ve seen in my own life how much greater a force for good I can be when I have my shit kinda together.
The real change I’ve observed in my life is less like a tunnel and more like a car heater. You turn it on and wait patiently to slowly feel your fingers.
So let’s turn on the heater, warm up, and start to feel good again.
Happy new year.
¹ ² ³ = Topics/stories for another time, I’m afraid.
